Top 7 Tricks Never To Teach Your Dog

Just because you can teach your dog a new trick, this doesn't mean you should. Each of these doozies sounds like a winner. But then, like an impetuous young Jedi, your dog will come to abuse his newly discovered power and succumb to the dark side.

• Channel Surfing
  This one is pretty cool for about 10 seconds. Why on earth would you want to defer to your dog's judgment when trying to decide what to watch? Fifty bucks says the second you try to pry the remote from his paws to switch off "Turner and Hooch," he flips straight to "When Animals Attack" and bares his chompers.


• Laundry
  Even if you successfully convey to your dog all the nuances of water temperature, load size, and color separation, what good is any of it if he's simply going to lather every clean garment in dog hair during the folding process? That's likely what prompted you to toss the article into the hamper in the first place.


• Table Dining
  If you want your table manners to look better without actually engaging in any form of self-improvement, this is one way to do it. But your dog isn't going to like it when you try to sample a tidbit from his plate, and good luck trying to get him to pass the gravy. Seriously. If the prospect of dining alone has got you low enough to consider this, it's time to take out an ad out for a roommate.


• Cooking
  Sure, it sounds great: coming home at the end of a long day at the office to find a hot home-cooked meal waiting for you at the table. But think about it. Your dog doesn't exactly have the most sophisticated palate. Anyone who regularly dines on twigs and rabbit dung should never be allowed command of the stove.


• Chess
  The tabloid news coverage and local notoriety would be nice. Right up until the time Rex drops his first checkmate onto your humiliated butt. If you insist on playing a board game with your dog, go with something like Battleship, where you'll be able to cheat if necessary.


• Retrieving Refrigerated Items
  Ah, the American dream of hound fetching a fresh beer for master. Like communism, this trick is great on paper. In real life, your dog helps himself to the contents of the fridge and you're left standing in 14-hour lines for loaves of stale Russian rye.


• Toilet Use
  Actually, go right ahead with this one. I was sure I'd be able to come up with some negative aspect to this elusive dog trick, but it's golden. A golden shower, that is, for every square inch of your bathroom. Horrible, horrible idea. Get a doggie door and call it good.