Old Dogs, New Tricks

Eat your heart out, monkey butlers A dog that fetches slippers and newspapers beats having a butler any day. Aside from being far more affordable than salaried human servants, your canine companion won't fill your home with the stuffy air of tailed tuxedos. As for human butlers' simian counterparts, the private ownership of monkeys is illegal in most states--a dream-crushing revelation to everyone outside Montana, Alabama, and a handful of other states with well ordered priorities. At least now you've got another reason to write your congressperson. Fetch this Dogs thrive on work and pleasing their masters. In exchange for their willingness to serve, do we not owe them better than the same boring repertoire of sit, shake, and roll-over? If yours is a dog bred to retrieve, once you've got the paper and slippers routine down the possibilities are endless. Check out this short list of items that every dog owner should teach their dog to fetch:

• Remote control- in these glorious days of inexpensive universal remotes, gnaw damage is a small price to pay for not having to vacate your recliner
• Cell phone- those not so diminutive in size as to be easily edible
• Snacks- in sealed aroma-containing packages, unless you're willing to share
• Keys- so long as you can trust your dog not to take the convertible out for a joyride
• Wallet- if you're this committed to remaining motionless, you may need access your health insurance information regularly

Open new doors

Rig your doors with a rope or cord fashioned with a tempting, easy-to-grab handle near floor level. It's likely that your dog already delights in tugging on dangling items, and this is one instance where you'll want to encourage the behavior. Reward your dog handsomely when he or she tugs with force sufficient enough to open the door, and get ready to reap the benefits. Now you can indulge in delivered pizzas and fresh-from-the-fridge beverages without the hassles of standing up or having children. Just make sure to tip your pooch with slices and sips to ensure this lavish level of service well into the future.